Friday, May 18, 2012

50 Shades of CHICKtionary

And Now We Know
Why Granny Was Always Smiling

I just read that the explosive sales of the steamy 50 SHADES OF GREY have lead to an estimated 300% increase in the sales of sex toys, including the infamous Ben Wa balls of page 362

As a public service, I shall now read from the book of CHICKtionary, so that all may go forth in erotic edification and participate with confidence in the girl-talk at your PTA meetings, church bake sales and country club locker rooms.

[Hint:  Try saying something like, "Oh, you're still putting them there?  *eye roll*  That's so 1992."]

Ben Wa Balls, noun
In use among a variety of cultures for centuries, Ben Wa balls and the like are instruments of female sexual arousal as well as tools used to help increase the strength of the vaginal muscles.  The balls can be made of a variety of materials and hollow models can contain smaller spheres or even chimes.  (Was that the doorbell?)  The balls are inserted into the vagina, where they remain until removed using an optional retrieval cord or are coughed or sneezed out.  For erotic stimulation, a gentle rocking motion is recommended, although Mr. Wa has reportedly received complaints that the balls’ effect is too subtle to be felt.  For conditioning of the vaginal muscles, the balls are held inside the vagina with a clenching motion, taking the definition of “private training” to its extreme.


So, anyway...[ahem]...have a stimulating weekend and ROCK ON.


23 comments:

Ashley Chappell said...

Now I'm going to have to buy all new cushions before inheriting Grandma's hand-made rocker... Thanks for the giggle!

K A B L O O E Y said...

Doorbell line + coffee = keyboard damage
Thanks for that.

Heidi said...

Hilarious! The doorbell? Oh my gosh!! Love, love.

Cheryl said...

Oh, the tales I could tell if I was one to tell tales. Sneezing can be more than just a little embarrassing when you're exercising with chimes.

HumorSmith said...

Nice to see you're still on the ball Anna.

Erin said...

Okay, so when I had to visit the urogynecologist in December after the birth of my 3rd, he should've just told me about these instead of insisting Kegels would fix everything. Right?

Should've read Shades of Grey sooner, apparently.

The Empress said...

WTH, I do NOT understand the draw and call of this book.


Really, people? Have they never read some classy erotica?

Because the snippets I've seen online..it's like some 7th grader hid in the toilet for ten mins and came out with this.

(also the strike out you did for the ben wa balls and the doorbell: CRACKED ME UP)

You, this: so have to tweet it out.

Marinka said...

oh, BEN!

meleah rebeccah said...

Anna, you are absolutely hilarious!!

HermanTurnip said...

Wow... the more you know, I guess.

Dr Zibbs said...

Mr Wa. Haha.

Maggie S. said...

Wa who? Wa hoo!!!

anymommy said...

Giving new meaning to the phrase "balls out." Giggle.

Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac said...

Further proof that no woman should be without a copy of The Chicktionary!

Julie said...

Is it wrong that I want to know how on earth the retrieval cord can be optional?

On second thought, don't tell me.

Erin said...

Could I just use a couple of Atomic Fireballs?

Jay Ferris said...

Guess I can add one more thing to the list of balls I've been using wrong.

Nora Blithe said...

Teee-heee! Gee, wonder why you set up comment moderation?

bill lisleman said...

Could this be product placement in the novel?

Prashhant Misra said...

Nice one !

WheresMyAngels said...

Seriously!!! Your mentioning this book too?? I have never heard of it til I was reading some Xrated blogs this week (yeah I have a secret life, don't judge me) and all the talk has been about these books. then I check to see what you have been blogging about. I'm going to go crawl under a rock while it all die's down!

:)

Anne Flournoy said...

I once bought these balls. A bizarre sensation - can't begin to describe it. More science fiction than erotica. Naturally, the Chicktionary has finally given the experience some context.

Jessica said...

Hilarious and I still just don't get it. Why this book? I was at the doctors with my kids the other day and a woman, who had to be in her late 70's, was reading it in the waiting room. I couldn't decide if I was proud of her for being confident in reading her porn in public or if I was worried about her getting her blood pressure checked.